We’re getting real this morning, friends, so let’s start with a real photo. Like, really real.
That’s what I looked like when I woke up today. My eyebrows look crazy. My forehead’s a little shiny. I’m wearing the same outfit I wore to work in the coffeeshop for all of yesterday afternoon (because even though I’m changing out of my pajamas the minute I wake up as part of my new-ish morning routine, there’s no rules yet about what happens when you’re so tired from a writing marathon that you just can’t bring yourself to change into a new athleisure look). My eyes are a little red and puffy because — and we’re getting real here — last night was an emotional one.
I said an official “see ya later!” to my sister Katie, who’s on her way to move in for her freshman year of college this morning. I’m so crazy proud of her. Look out, guys, because she’s really going to change lives as a music therapist one day.
Matt and I are dealing with a lot of change here in our home. He’s started studying for a few big tests for work, so our new nightly routine basically consists of having an hour together for dinner, then moving into separate rooms so he can stay totally focused while he works for the rest of the night. I’m so crazy proud of him, too. It’s not easy to become a student again. But since Matt’s not legally allowed to have his phone out at work (he works on the trading floor of a bank, so there are a lot of rules in place to prevent anything shady or illegal going on) and is out the door every morning at 6:30 when I am starting my workday, too, losing the precious time I usually have with him at night has been a rude awakening. Working from home is great, but it can feel isolating sometimes, which is just a little more difficult now that my nights are also more isolated.
Add all this to the fact that I’m experiencing what I can only believe are typical “I’ve-been-working-for-myself-for-almost-a-full-year-now-and-I’m-just-now-stopping-to-catch-my-breath” growing pains, and you wake up with a puffy face like the one you see above.
This week, I’ve been questioning myself more than I have in a long, long time. Not questioning the decision I made last year to take on this whole writing journey, but questioning the little decisions I make each and every day. As my fellow WFH-ers, freelancers, and other boss ladies know, there’s no rulebook for this. There’s no one here to tell me whether or not I’m doing things “right” or to tell me that I’m doing a good job. And as I transition out of the summer chaos into a calmer season that allows me a lot more time to work and grow my business, I’m finding myself feeling a lot more anxious about these things. Am I working at the right times? Am I working too much? Am I working enough? Am I spending the right amount of time developing new relationships versus writing for the clients I already have? Am I doing a good job with my book? Will I ever be able to get an agent? Am I giving myself the time I need to recharge? Do I even need that time? Do I deserve it? Am I where I should be? Are people taking what I do seriously? If not, why not?
Friends, was this my first self-employed meltdown? I don’t know. Maybe.
The good news is that I think I’m through the worst of it. All of these insecurities had been bubbling beneath the surface this week, and last night I finally got the chance to talk to Matt about it. He took the night off from studying (because he’s brilliant and the nicest), and listened to me ask myself all of those questions as I went through no less than nine soggy, disgusting tissues. He reminded me of how far I’ve come from when I started all of this last September. He told me it’s OK to take a step back every once in a while instead of always feeling like I have to hustle, hustle, hustle and move forward, forward, forward. The guy knows what he’s talking about, and he understands me so well that it scares me sometimes.
If you’re feeling insecure or anxious or just totally freaked out, remember that you’re not the only one. Life and work are not always easy, no matter how you choose to do them. Change and growth, in particular, are really. stinkin’. hard. So if you’ve had a week like mine (can we just blame it on mercury in retrograde?), you better go out and get yourself a glass of wine or an ice cream sundae (or both!) tonight. We’ll regroup after the weekend.
***AND FOR AN ADDED PICK-ME-UP…
…don’t forget to enter this months’ giveaway! The prize is a $25 gift card to BaubleBar! All you have to do to enter to win is comment on my last post. I’ll be drawing and announcing the winner on Wednesday 8/30, so get those entries in ASAP!